The Oldest Profession (The Life)

So we all know I'm horny and feeling adventurous.  I was recently browsing through Craigslist's adult gigs section and clicked on a post looking for nude waiters.  I then went to a man's house where I took all my clothes off, poured him some champagne, conversed on a wide variety of topics, and let him touch my balls.  And hour and half later I was one hundred dollars richer.  These are tough times, people, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

Give My Regards To Broadway (George M!)

I feel like giving up show business.  Now before you freak out, hear me out.  Ok, I may not have many valid points, and I'm the king of flip flopping, but here's where my mind has been the last day or two.  I don't have the energy or motivation to keep going.  I'm tired of moving every year and working in a restaurant industry to support my theatre habit.  Even the restaurant isn't a reliable source of income anymore, what with the economy the way it is.  I just want a stable job right now.  I want to know that I'm making money and I want to spend it on clothes and travel.  I want to be able to strip or do internet porn and not have to worry that it'll come back to haunt me when I'm famous.  I don't think I'll ever give up performing completely.  I'd love to work with children, like ArtsMonkey did.  I'd love to teach them.  I'd actually LOVE to be a teacher at this point in my life, but I refuse to spend a million dollars going back to school to get a proper education.  I want to teach Mad Hot Ballroom.  I want to be a nanny, maybe, like PA and Neenia.  My sister has a friend in New York, married disgustingly rich, has a child.  Said they're looking a trust worthy nanny.  I'm thinking of joining their family as a caregiver.  I really really really don't want to give up on my goal of living in New York.  I can still pursue my comedy on the side.  And boys.  There are loads of boys in NYC that I'd love to have sex with.  Oh, on a side note, I'm also seriously ready to give up my virginity to someone.  Boy or girl.  Anyone.  I'm just in the mood to really fuck, you know what I'm saying?  Talk to me in a couple of days and I'll be singing a different tune, I bet.  But for now I want to be a slutty bi-sexual New York City nanny.  Is that too much to ask?

Ain't Got No (Hair)

Fucking recession!  I hate you!  I hate you because I'm moving back to Toronto with not a penny in my bank account.  I'm behind on all my bill payments and I owe more money than I did when I came.  What the fuck?  I hate you because nobody goes to restaurants anymore and I keep getting called off work because there is no business.  How the gay am I supposed to make any cash so I can get a mother fucking apartment and furnish it, you asshole?  Quit recessing and put your dollars back in my pocket.  It doesn't really help that I blew my weekend's worth of tips on three sale items at Club Monaco, does it?  At least I'll look good while I'm poor.  I'm redefining the pauper!  Pay attention!

Big Black Man (The Full Monty)

I really want to get fucked by a black guy.  I can't explain the urge, but it's definitely there.  Yes, I'm still a butt virgin (both in giving and receiving), and yes, bum sex still disgusts me.  But I've just been so curious about getting it on with a black dude and it's a feeling I won't be able to shake until I've done it.  The thing is, I think there would be no point if he wasn't going to fuck me and show me what the fuss is really all about.  I feel as though to not get fucked by a black guy would be a waste of his talents.  Is that racist?  I hope so.

How Beautiful The Days (The Most Happy Fella)

Some highlights from having the musical that I choreographed hit the stage last week.

-Receiving a director's chair as my cast's opening night gift to me.

- Gilbert's Girl making a special trip to Ottawa to be my opening night date.

- The review in The Ottawa Citizen the next morning that said "Skinny Rabbit's tightly executed choreography shows imagination and hours of rehearsal."

- A former choreographer of mine gushing all night long about how I have raised the bar and set it high.

- Hearing other kind things like "That was the best choreography I've ever seen in an Orpheus show, " and "That was the best dancing I've ever seen at Orpheus, and I've seen every show since I was 18," and "Your choreography was the star of the show," and "You've out-done yourself," and "Wow."

- Sitting next to the little old ladies on that Sunday matinee, who kept saying things like "It's great to be young, isn't it?" and "He just called her a bitch."  My favourite, though, was at the top of Act II when the curtain opens to reveal a painted scrim of the High School Of The Performing Arts exterior, just as it did in Act I, "Oh, now I know what the show's about - the school of performing arts!"  There is not one scene in Act I that takes place outside of the school.

- The little old broad on that Wednesday night show who pinched my ass as I scooted past her to get to my seat.

- Doing a 10 to 1 shake down with the cast before every show and imparting to them the wisdom instilled in me from Mark Cassius: "I'm excited.  It's exciting.  They're excited."

- Having one of my chorus dancers mentioned in every single review.

- Being bored and falling asleep after watching the show 10 times in a row, but always getting up and dancing for the incredibly crowd pleasing finale.

- Having an accompanist in the orchestra pit who kept trying to save the show from a train wreck musical director, by not following his direction.

- Being told from various sources that they could see me in every move.

- Reading a facebook message from my friend, mother of two in Milton, Ontario, on the night before the closing matinee, saying that she felt like a bad friend for not seeing the show so she packed up the girls and drove 5 and a half hours just to see all my hard work.

- Being asked to choreograph again.  Saying no.

Schadenfreude (Avenue Q)

Ugh.  Schadenfreude means taking pleasure at the expense of other's misfortunes.  I'm feeling the opposite.  I'm loved by all my friends and family.  I've taken two trips to New York this summer that have left me on a high I'm still feeling.  I'm getting the hang of choreographing and it's turning out pretty well.  I have a job lined up doing children's theatre again in Toronto in February.  There's a boy I like.  I should feel off the charts awesome.  But when I look at what's going down around me, I get not so happy.

Several people in my life are cheating, being cheated on, getting their mistresses pregnant, breaking up, getting divorced, having bad attitudes in rehearsal, dying and committing suicide, being lonely, loosing touch with best friends, being stuck in ruts, fighting, making stupid decisions, closing amazing broadway shows.  It's bringing me down, man.  I wake up every morning and try to be happy and it lasts most of the day.  Then I'll get some bad news or someone in rehearsal will act like a fucktard or my director will be a total idiot and I'll go to bed with worry.  I wake up feeling better every morning, but my sleeps ain't so nice.  I want everyone to be happy.  Then I can be happy.  Can everyone just get their lives together so that I can live my life in peace, please?

We Do Not Belong Together (Sunday In The Park With George)

Okay, our working relationship is not that bad, but I'm sick of having to constantly fix her mistakes.  Why is the director of my show so stupid?  Ugh.  I hate that she's can't acknowledge that she's an amateur.  Why would she block all the classroom scene with all the students facing upstage?  The ones with lines, even!  Why would she want someone who can't play violin but can play piano to be playing violin while standing next to a piano?  I've managed to get my point across on many occasions and I've fought and won many battles.  But between me and the musical director we're definitely started to step on her toes and I can tell she's going to snap any moment.  But we're not doing it to make her feel shitty, we're doing it to fix her shitty work and save the show.  Everyone will sound great and the dance numbers will be fucking amazing.  The rest of the show will be caca.  I feel like I need to be there for every blocking rehearsal to give the actor tips when the director gives them no direction.  This is getting exhausting for me.  I barely have time to come up with choreography, so I can't be spending extra time working on her shit.  This is gay.  I always remind myself and the people around me that I'm new at this and I need help.  I have an assistant and I allow comments and input from my cast.  Why can't she be so open?  It works for me.  We're both nice people.  I guess I'm just smarter.  I can't wait until this is over and I never have to do this again.

Rocking The Boat (Marlowe)

There's always at least one person in ever show that rubs every person in the cast the wrong way.  Why must this be?  Why we just have perfect casts at all times?  In fact, why can't everything be perfect?  I wonder if the [title of show] gang as anyone backstage that they dislike.

It Will Never Be That Way Again (Ruthless!)

Dear 9/11 victims and all other Americans:

It was seven years ago.  It was one day.  Yes, the event was devastating and it took a long time to get over it.  But it happened one day.  Maybe try to think about all the other countries that are under constant attack.  Where it's become the only life they know.  Everyday.  For decades.  Countries that are being attacked by, oh, I don't know... your country.  They attacked you because they don't like you.  Because you're mean to them.  Because you try to force your values on them when no one asked for your opinion.  Shut up about it and move on.  Some people have birthdays to celebrate.

Sorry-Grateful (Company)

It's not barely noon and I'm not even out of bed and already my morning has brought on a rollercoaster of emotions.  Last night was my first night of choreography.  I'm really not that good at communicating what I want.  I say things like "and then we do this kind of move..." which demonstrating badly.  And I just keep adding on, faster than a proper choreographer would.  But somehow everyone picked it up.  And once my assistant was done cleaning them up and drilling it, it was fucking amazing.  I think this is going to work out just fine.  I can't wait to get in there and finish the number tonight.

So this morning I call work to see if they need me and they do but they don't so I opt out because, although I need the money, I'm starting to get sick and I have to work on tonight's choreography.  Yay, I get to sleep in.  I'll just check facebook on my laptop now.  Ooh!  What's this?  A message from Heidi Blickenstaff?  The Heidi Blickenstaff of [title of show] fame?!  You see, I may not have mentioned this before, but the last time I met Heidi at the stage door I told her that I choreographed a number to her song.  She was super pumped and told me to film it for her, so I did.  On Sunday.  And I sent it to her.  And this morning, she sent me this message:

SKINNY!

I love it!!!! Seriously, I LOVE IT!!! I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it all... When I first watched it, I was just enjoying the choreography and you guys dancing and that was taking me back to my dancing days, and then it hit me that you were dancing to MY SONG and I had to pick my jaw up off the floor.

Love it that you did that. And filmed it for me. Thank you so much!!!

And I'm also so glad that you're connecting to [tos]. I am very familiar with the poo vampire. I fight that guy on a daily basis. You're not alone. I'm telling you, the key is doing what you love and eventually you'll figure out how to turn that into a living...

All the VERY best to you. I look forward to giving you a big hug at the stage door next time you come. Thanks again, Nick...

xo,
hb

O!  M!  G!  So as you can tell I'm pretty effing happy.  But then...

... I get a text message from one of my favourite people.  Bad news.  It may be divorce time.  I'm dying.  Do good things never last?  She's a wreck.  I'm dying for her.  

Then another message from Heidi comes, telling me to check out the [title of show] blog.  I do.   You should too.  www.titleofshow.com/blog

And I'm happy again.

More texting.  Sad again.

Why can't life just be good stuff.  The bad stuff sucks, so why does it happen?  Me no likey.  It's so bizarre that I was experiencing such an extreme high and suck and extreme low at the exact same time.  It's just wrong.

Get Me Out (Buttrio Square)

My first night of choreography is Monday night.  I've scheduled the biggest number first.  There She Goes/Fame.  Is it too late to back out?  I have no idea what I've gotten myself into.  I don't want to do this anymore.  We haven't even had our first rehearsal yet and already I'm thinking about what I will be doing after the show's over.  I'm already looking at apartments in Toronto and jobs in New York and auditions in Montreal and thinking up comedy for my stand-up and researching agents.  Every time I think about the show I should be focusing on now, I shit my pants because I have to choreograph not one, not two, but three pas de deux, plus a whole ballet class where they are going over adagios (what the hell is an adagio?).  There is so much salsa music in this show, it's ridiculous.  Not to mention that huge Flamenco number.  I have no salsa or ballet background, I have no idea where to start.  I've been looking up salsa technique videos on addicted2salsa.com and every time the video loads I go poo or watch an episode of Swingtown.  I need help.  And by help I mean I need someone to choreograph this mother fucker for me, please.

Conquering New York (Wonderful Town)

There's no excuse not to be in New York City at all times.  Two trips in one summer.  I'm feeling more and more like I live there.  There's nothing better than seeing In The Heights twice, and dying both times, and seeing [title of show] three times and dying all three times, and seeing DansyAnsyPants and hearing her talk about maybe blogging again one of these days.  I just want to be there always.  Why can't I?  Why aren't I rich?  I bought a new fall/winter coat from Sacks Fifth Avenue that was 70% off so I could justify spending just under $200 for it.  And it was fun talking to the cashiers.  They were so sweet and lovely and talky.  I've decided that instead of cutting myself off from the shopping world, I'm going to start only buying clothes that are on sale.  It's something that disgusts me, but I have to do it in order to keep feeling fabulous.  I'm always going to take a tip from a New York shopping tips website I saw a long long long time ago, and I'm going to start purchasing clothes to wear for a day, keep the tags on, and return it the next day.  It's really the smartest way to look good everyday, and never be seen in the same outfit twice.  Lord help me, keep my pits from sweating.

PS - The Sex And The City tour was hot shit.  We went to Scout!

You Need A Song (Smith)

I spent the last week sitting on an audition panel as choreographer.  It was a bizarre experience being on the other side of the table, watching auditionee after auditionee, some strangers, some friends, dance, sing and act for me, hoping to impress me enough to get a dance callback and hopefully a role.  I found myself being the Paula of the judges.  I kept a smile on my face, even when we hated the person, in order to make them feel comfortable and in order not to have their night ruined by a rude panel.  I discovered how fake I can be.  It wasn't easy.

I've learned, from other people's mistakes, what not to do when you are on the directing team.  For that I am thankful.  I received some very positive feedback about my composure this week.

I'm surprised I was able to handle the dance callbacks the way I did.  Thirty five dancers showed up for a two hour call.  I had them do the dance from the audition, with an extra eight counts of eights I taught them on the spot.  The we went across the floor and I asked to see the jump of their choice, set to Knock On Wood by Amii Stewart.  Then we did a hip hop number to the soundtrack of In The Heights.  Followed by their freestyle, show-me-your-tricks to Geri Halliwell's cover of It's Raining Men.  Lastly, and what I was most complimented on, was a lyrical to A Way Back To Then.  Why did I have them do the lyrical.  Just because I wanted see someone do a lyrical to that song.  Don't you?

I'm happy with the cast we've potentially put together.  With one or two exceptions, the entire chorus can dance or do tricks.  I'm going to have a lot of fun with this show.

This afternoon I board a plane to my homeland - New York.  I needs this trip to freshen up before rehearsals start, because that is going to take over my life. 

You Don't Know This Man (Parade)

A 60-year-old woman recently discovered that her 68-year-old  husband of thirty five years has been seeing another woman.  Her son now has more cause to hate his father.

Her Name Is Aurora (Kiss Of The Spider Woman)

I went to a two year old's birthday party today. I was surrounded by babies. Some of their names were Ella, Frederick (ok, not too bad so far), Riley, Colton, Skye, Dayton, and Phoenix. I felt like I was in a soap opera. There were many other babies around but I was afraid to learn their names. I was worried they might be Chasity, Essence, Aroma, Tablecloth, Mississauga. Parents today are absurd. I get the whole "I want my baby to have an original name" thing, but are any of these people thinking about how their children are going to feel when they walk into a gift shop and don't see their names on a novelty key chain? They will, however, always find their name on a map or listed in the ingredients of a perfume bottle.

I Should Tell You (Rent)

Ok, wait, I need you to know that I did not say everything I wanted to say in the last blog. In fact I don't believe I ever even got to my real dilemma. The problem isn't so much that I don't have time to view and read all that I want to view and read. The problem is that I tell myself that I don't have the time to view and read these things, so then when I do view and read, it feels like a chore, something I need to cross off my list, so I don't end up enjoying it. Barrell Fever is a collection of very funny stories that I read quickly. I didn't really take anything it. Thinking back on it, it would be hard to quote because I wasn't really paying attention. I was just turning pages because my eyes got to the bottom of the second page before my brain did. I've been watching Season 2 of The Muppets but I can't tell you who guest starred because I wasn't really watching it, I starred at the screen until the episodes were over. I don't like this way of experiencing art. I want to enjoy it! I don't want to just be able to say that I saw or read it. This is so gay.

Human Stuff (The Little Mermaid)

There aren't enough hours in the day for all the books I need to read, TV I need to catch up on and movies I need to discover.  Ugh.  Seriously.  I have a whole bunch of Sedaris books sitting on the floor next to my bed, unread.  I keep telling myself that at the end of the day I'll sit in bed and read, but instead I choose to need a couple of hours of sleep.  I could read in the bathroom but I've been taking quicker poos these days.  I have DVDs of The Muppets, Strangers With Candy, The Golden Girls, Sondheim musicals, and my collection of Woody Allen movies that I need to get through.  I bought all these things months ago but I can't find the time to watch them.  I can't even find the time to get to my singing lessons!  I haven't been to a class since the beginning of June.  Always with the last minute cancellations.  I don't have the time to call friends who haven't seen me in a couple of years.  I don't have time to call all my friends parents who want to see me and are lonely because their children have moved away.  I can't squeeze in a minute to call people to congratulate them on their new babies.  I never have time to use that gym membership I purchased three months ago.  I certainly don't make the time to talk to my parents.  Anytime they ask me a question I yell "not now!"

However I seem to have plenty of time to work like a madman (money is so nice these days). dance around in my room, watch Y&R and So You Think You Can Dance, Facebook creep, masturbate, hang out with one friend all the time and dream.

My Ottawa stand-up debut is tomorrow night at a real live comedy club!  Man I'm pumped!  I'm not really telling people because I want an audience of strangers to tell me if I'm funny and not my friends.  Hopefully doing this show will pump me up and motivate me to get of my ass and grow up.

Dude All Dude (Dude)

Don't hate me but I met David Sedaris last night. There was a book signing at a tiny bookstore in the West part of town. My lady friend told me about it the day before, so we went. There were so many people, we had to sit in the parking lot and listen to him over speakers. He came out to say hello and was super friendly. He read three stories. They were funny. Then we waited two hours in line for his signature. The reason we waited so long is because he takes his time to talk to each person. He likes to get to know his readers and doesn't like to talk about what they like about his work. We could hear him trying to guess everyone's zodiac signs. When he got to me he said I'm a Taurus. He could see in my face that he was wrong so he told me that I'm adopted and I never knew it and my parents want me to think I'm Libra. I was all "woah, how did you do that?" but he just smiled and signed my book. He wrote

To Skinny Rabbit

Diabetes is for lovers

David Sedaris

He asked my friend if she likes turtles, so she laughed and said yes. He proceeded to draw a turtle, a cross, a stick figure of Jesus hanging from the cross, screaming "AAAAAHHHH!" and told us that turtles hate Jesus. My friend asked him to guess her sign, so he said "Pisces. No, Sagittarius. I see a little bit of myself in you, so I'm going to say Capricorn. Taurus? Pisces? Gemini? Taurus?" He then admitted that he just guessed mine and I seemed so impressed with him, that he wishes he could have guessed hers sooner.

Before we left she asked him to write "I see myself in you" in her book. He opened the book and wrote "see self in you."

This man kills me. He also bought ice cream and raspberries for everyone. How amazing is life when one week I'm meeting Susan Blackwell and the next I'm meeting David Sedaris?

What Happens To Life (The Me Nobody Knows)

Welcome to my 200th blog!!!!!

I have so much to blog about. All my thoughts can make up seven different blogs, but I'll try my best to condense all thoughts to this single one.

I had the most amazing of times in New York. The most amazing of times in New York. Amazing of times in New York.

Highlights:

Seeing Patti LuPone in Gypsy. Seeing Roger Bart, Andrea Martin, Sutton Foster, Megan Mullaly in Young Frankenstein, but hating the show. Seeing Jane Krakowski, Sean Hayes and "Get out of here" Cheyenne Jackson in Damn Yankees, but not digging that Jane had to do Gwen Verdon's original Bob Fosse choreography. It just didn't work. Seeing Passing Strange and wanting to call my mother afterwards. Jerry O'Connell following me during intermission and Rebecca Romijn standing behind me. Spike Lee was also in the audience. Seeing Kerry Butler and Mary Testa in Xanadu. Seeing In The Heights and shitting my pants because it was so amazing. It's been a million years since I've shed a tear and yet that show somehow melted my black heart. I bawled my eyes out. Bawled. Melanie Griffith followed me outside at intermission and when she took her seat before Act II the whole audience went camera happy and annoying. Seeing [title of show] twice and again for a preview performance in Bryant Park right before catching my plane outta there. Meeting them all. Being there for the first night of previews was an experience none of us will ever forget and was well worth the time and money. Scooter taking me back to his place and showing me where Ethan Hawke lives and nothing happening between us, but being ok with that. Walking Joey in Washington Heights. Talking theatre with my hostess. Hanging out with my old roomie, but not enough. Reading Sedaris in Central Park. Learning Ann Reinking's original choreography for her dance solo in Fosse's Dancin' and being sore for three days from the six consecutive hitch-kick/laybacks.

It's amazing. Every time I go to New York I feel like I'm home. Like I belong there. Like I need to move there immediately. This trip, however, I was completely inspired but in a different way. I think I must be maturing or something, because I spent every minute in NYC reflecting and being inspired and coming to terms with the fact that my career has to start now and it has to happen in Toronto. I miss ya'll. I say ya'll a lot nowadays.

The Sudden Thrill (Carnival In Flanders)

I'm in a bit of an awkward situation. I've been dating a guy for the past week, but it's all in my head. It's weird. He's in town for a little over a week and so far we've spend nearly every day together. Every night we share feels like a date. But it never ends in anything more than a hug. Not a friendly hug. A nice, hard hug. He puts his hands on my shoulder, back, leg, arm, in my hair, often. I never see him touch anyone else. This might mean he likes me, right? He texts me every day. He's commented on my eyes. We've had good talks. It feels like he's my boyfriend. I'm comfortable with him. I've always found him attractive but I never let myself be attracted to him until I realized that he's attracted to me. And yet he hasn't made a move on me. Is it all in my head? I would love to be in a relationship with this person. Maybe he's just moving super slowly because he's got a shady past. We talk so openly with each other. It feels like he's my boyfriend. I want him to just tell me he wants me, or plant a big kiss on me, so that we can fall in love already. He'll kiss me, tell me he wants me, I'll say the same, we'll make arrangements to split my bus fare from Ottawa to Toronto for me to visit him, it'll be hard not to live in the same place but we'll work it out until I move back there, then I'll move there and get my own place but I'll always be at his place, we'll create together, start a company together, make love together, and then something will happen and he'll hurt me and I'll leave him but come crawling back because I love him more than I love myself and I know that he didn't mean to do it, he's just going through a hard time and I need to be there for him, not abandon him, so I'll get back together with him under certain conditions and everything will be perfect on the outside from then on. He'll be the first great love of my life. That's what'll happen. If only something could happen already! Our week together is almost over! Hurry, lovah! I'm right here!

Passing Phase (Passing Strange)

I can't do this much longer. I'm letting go of New York. Not Julyceum, but my plan to move there. What the fuck am I doing in Ottawa? I'm moving back to Toronto in April. I'm going to get my own one bedroom apartment at Yonge and Davisville and make it my new permanent home. My only worry is that Alathariel will be in London and Neenia will be in Montreal. Hopefully they will break up with their boyfriends by then and become my new neighbours again.

Don't Tell Mama (Cabaret)

It's interesting for me to choose not to be close with my parents, when all my friends' parents regard me as their child. It's usually the parents of my only-child friends. I have friends who's mothers call me their son and I call them mom. So many of my friends' mothers invite me out to lunch or dinner, or ask me to stop by the house to see them. They're always happy to see me. And yet I can't bring myself to enjoy my own mother's company. It may be that I resent the fact that I have to hide a big part of myself in order to protect her. I hate that. I'd much rather have nothing to do with someone who doesn't love who I am than have to alter who I am to make them feel comfortable. I wonder if I were ballsy enough to just be a big fag around my parents if they'd grow to accept me and continue to love me, or if they'd just kick me out and banish me from the family. I'd be fine with either, but to tell you the truth, I'd kind of prefer the latter.

For My Own (Donnybrook!)

I joined a gym yesterday. Is it a mistake? Will I never go the way I never went to the other ones I joined. I do need to get into good shape in order to choroegraph a mother of a show this coming fall. All I know is that now that I've joined I feel great. Even if I never end up going, I know I have the option to, and that makes me feel strong and sexy. I even look better naked now.

Then I'd Be Satisfied With Life (Little Johnny Jones)

I did it to myself again tonight. I made my way into a theatre where a movie I had never heard of was playing, and shouldn't the protagonist's mother be dying in a hospital. Is the movie industry trying to tell me something?

My gig performing children's theatre in elementary schools has come to an end. Four months of being a working actor. Over. I'm going to miss the little bastards. The ones who raise their hands to ask a question and then say nothing when called upon. The ones who freak out when I tell them my name, because there are 8 other Skinny Rabbits in the room. The ones who cry when they see Papa Bear. The ones who try to correct us on our bear facts. The ones who ask the same question as the kid we called on just before them.

If there was one day in particular that stood out it was the day we performed at a rehab center for children with disabilities. There were so many different cases there. Kids in wheelchairs, kids in helmets, deaf kids, mentally challenged kids, you name it. It was such a positive environment. The staff was super friendly, the kids were super sweet. It felt great. We all walked out of there feeling satisfied that we had done something special. We were all moved by what we saw.

One thing I've learned through doing this children's theatre and being in these elementary schools every day is how attracted I am to male teachers. It has nothing to do with any fantasy I've had over my teachers when I was in school. I just love a man who loves children and loves teaching. It's as simple as that. I think teaching is an honourable profession, and people who love what they do are sexy. It was especially sexy to see the teacher at the rehab center with all the kids hanging off his limbs. He was so loved by them, and it was clear he loved them too. That's sexy.

Do you ever write a blog and then think, "What the hell is it that I'm trying to say here?" I feel that all the time.

Duet For One (1600 Pennsylvania Avenue)

I found this video today that I never knew existed. Watching this reminds me how much I regret not starting dance earlier in life, and not keeping up with dance after school. My legs look great. Wait for the splits.

If I Loved You (Carousel)

There's a boy I wish I were in love with. He'd be my ideal boyfriend, the one I'd stay in Toronto for, if only I felt anything for him. Alas, I do not. He's got the best personality of anyone I think I've ever met. I wish I wanted to be with him. I've tried. I spent days and nights trying to think about him. The time I've spent with him, I tried watching his lips and tried to imagine kissing them. I came close to convincing myself that I want him, but then the feeling disappeared. It sucks. He's great. His friends are totally awesome. I thought maybe we could all hang out and people would love us together, and when we aren't around, people would talk about how much they love us. I don't think he likes me in that way either. I wonder if he wishes he likes me as much as I wish I like him.

Love's Revenge (Two Gentlemen Of Verona)

At the end of the last calendar year, I was dating this fella. He really liked me. But like really liked me. I, on the other hand, was just not that into him. The weekend before I went to Mexico for Christmas, he slept over, and that was supposed to be the last time I saw him before I left. Then he tells me he has a present for me, and he needs to see me one more time before I go, so he can give it to me. This annoyed me. I told him not to get me anything as I would not be getting him anything. I was very busy doing shows and working and honestly did not have the time to make for him. He wouldn't leave me alone about it, so I agreed to meet up with him for five minutes between shows and work. He comes all the way from the east end of the city. One bus, two subways, just to meet me for five minutes to give me a kiss. That was the present. Now I was angry. He knew I wouldn't like that so he gave me Lindts chocolates. Most people tell me that it was a romantic gesture and I should have appreciated it. I just found it annoying. So I went to Mexico, and I came back for a few days before hopping on another plane to Moncton. I managed to call him once during those few days. He asked when he could see me again, and I said when I get back from Moncton. I got back from Moncton and never called him again. That was three months ago, almost. I never really cared if I ever saw him again, but I did feel really guilty about never actually breaking up with him. This makes me an asshole. In my defense, I was very busy and I actually never had the time to call him and by the time I realized how long it had been, it had been that long and was too late. I was in the dog house. I've thought about calling him or sending a facebook message (smart move on my part to never actually add him as a friend), but I never had the guts and didn't know exactly what to say.

I ran into him on the street today. It was unavoidable. We pretended to care how the other was doing. I wanted to explain myself but I didn't know how. Somehow "Hey! Sorry, I never called you. It's just that I was like busy..." didn't feel like the right thing to say. I was worried that he'd interrupt me and yell "YOU BROKE MY HEART!" I wished him luck and he turned around and I could see his face start to change into one of "holy shit, that was awkward." And it was. I feel weird. I should maybe message him now, but I don't want to.

I've Got To Be Around (Mr. President)

Hey there mutha fuckas! Wait, what the hell am I doing here? I thought I had vowed to, like, never blog again. Seriously, this shit's been boring. No one's really offered anything interesting to read lately. Same ol', same ol'. But I'm sitting here on this train and I've paid a fee to use the wireless internet and I can only do so much facebooking and [titleofshow]ing. And I've got a lot to say so let's get this blog moving.

It's been a while, hey? So what's new with me? Oh, wouldn't you like to know! Life's really good and I'm super happy with me right now. I've gotten a lot of things off my chest, and now I'm kind of in a place of not caring. I'm leaving Toronto in two months and it's a shift I'm seriously looking forward to. Even though I kind of have mixed feelings about it. I've had a paying acting gig since last December which is coming to a close in a month. That's kind of sad, but also really good cause it means I won't have to wake up before the sun comes up anymore! And I won't have to speak french anymore! Phew! I've been doing and planning some cabarets and that's totally hot. Everything's been going really well. I've kind of mentally shelved my documentary idea. I'm not motivated enough to get it off the ground.

I kind of don't want to leave Toronto because I've been having a lot of fun, I love my job, I love my friends, I LOVE my friends, and I feel like things are finally starting to happen for me. I want my own one bedroom apartment at Yonge and Davisville again! I have to keep reminding myself to stay patient. I can have all that when I get back. I need new headshots. I want to do the Second City conservatory. I want to be hot shit.

I really do not want to live with my parents again. I really really don't. But the money I can save.... oh the money! I spent the night in Ottawa last night. I went to see a production of Millie that my friends were in. It was so good to see them all. I miss all my Ottawa friends as much as I love my Toronto friends. It's kind of an amazing feeling knowing that I have such great people in my life in two different cities (and I'm not even counting Vancouver, New York and Tampico). It's as if I can live anywhere and be comfortable. And I can. As much as I don't like living in Ottawa, I love it. What? I'm a contradiction, people, stay with me.

I'm super looking forward to choreographing Fame next fall. I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm so not a choroegrapher, but everyone is so behind me and so excited that I'm doing it. I like that. Thanks, people. I had my standup debut on Sunday night (thanks ArtsMonkey!), and I'm pretty sure it rocked. I'm definitely going to start hitting up a couple of amateur nights in Toronto and Ottawa. I'm going to make comedy my main focus when I go to Ottawa, before Fame starts. I like making these plans for myself, even if I may not follow through with them. I like to have something to look forward to.

I have a turkey and cheese sandwhich sitting next to me that I bought two hours ago. I'm hungry, but I don't want to eat it. It's on brown. I was asked if I wanted mayo or mustard and I said no. I did want mayo. I sometimes say things to uncomplicate situations, even if the situation wouldn't have been complicated.

I'm also lucky to have such great partners in crime. I love singing [titleofshow] with Neenia and PA. I'm happy that people love "Nick and Claire Doin' Stuff" as much as they love "Nicky and Rhoda," "Albert and Wanda," and "Automn and Rima." I'm surrounded by greatness and it makes me a better person and artist.

I'm totally digging my life right now, dispite the shit. I'm not even thinking about the shit cause the shit is shit.

I've been reading the [titleofshow] blogs (which I've added to my links!) and watching all their videos. Seriously, if you haven't watched all their videos, you should, cause there is some amazingness there that you never knew you never knew. I wish they were my friends also. They've kind of inspired me to blog. Did you know that they started their blog back in June of 2005?! Before they hit off-broadway and before they even wrote Nine People's Favourite Thing! I haven't figured out the timeline, but they probably started it after the festival.

So am I back? Is that the question? I guess I'm going to need support from you freaks when I'm in O Town again. Blogging in Ottawa gave me a great comfort once. I hope it will again.

There's A Doctor (The Who's Tommy)

I've been going to the movies a lot lately. I've been seeing amazingly depressing films with slightly uplifting ending moments. I haven't been seeing these depressing flicks on purpose. Laura Linney and Phillip Seymore Hoffman are enough to get me to go see The Savages. I was walking by the Cumberland when I saw that Starting Out In The Evening was playing and thought "What's this? I'll find out now." I had wanted to see Lars And The Real Girl for some time, not realizing how heavy it was. I love french films, so why wouldn't I see The Divine Bell And The Butterfly?

All these movies had something in common. All their main characters were either dying, sick, in need of medical attention, whether mental or physical, or they had to deal with someone close to them going through it. All these movies I watched in the span of less than a month. I saw the last one tonight and really starting thinking about all these themes and how sad all these characters are and how I should help them. What? Did I just say I should help them. I was totally thinking tonight that I'd like to become a nurse or I should volunteer at a hospital or do something to help the sick or dying, to make them feel special in their last moments, and maybe give them something to live for. It must be impossibly difficult to go on with your day while someone close to you is slipping away, and usually alone. I can't possibly imagine what it would be like to be the one in need. I really think that if I had the will to learn, I could go back to school and become a nurse and work in geriatrics or something. Unfortunately I'm just not cut out for that. Yet it seems like a much more important job that performing. Then again, I am a doctor of the soul.

Don't Know Where I Leave Off (Sweet Smell Of Success)

I'm not a self-loathing gay. I love myself. I think I'm pretty amazing the way I am. I just happen to be gay. I didn't choose to be gay. My mother's vagina made me that way. So is it so wrong that I don't exactly support gay marriage? Is there a problem with the fact that I don't believe in Pride Week? Is it okay that I think anal sex is disgusting and wrong? Am I awful for using the expression "that's gay" in a negative context on regular occasions? A friend of mine recently asked me what I thought of Daniel's new blond look on The Young And The Restless and I told her that it looks gay and they should make his character a homo. She replied that one of the things she loves about me is how anti-gay I can be. I told another friend that I think bum sex is wrong and she asked me half-jokingly if I'm homophobic. People constantly ask me how I know I'm gay if I've never tried bum sex. And they don't understand why I don't enjoy oral sex. Why does sex define our sexuality? I may not have sex with men, but I don't have sex with women, either. I'm attracted to men. I'm not attracted to women. I fantasize about men. I don't fantasize about women. It's as simple as that. Isn't it? People always make comments that I can't have sex with a girl because I'm a homo, but I beg to differ. As long as I'm naked, I'm pretty much hard. I can stick it in an Octopussoire. That's not a problem. The problem is the vag is weird to me. I don't want to look at one. However, I do wonder what it would be like and I hope to try it some day. (I know, I know, I'm contradicting myself. Live with it.) When I picture myself settling down and having kids, I'm with a woman, not another man. I also wouldn't mind dating a girl for an undisclosed periode of time. I'm very close with my friends who are girls and believe I could have a loving relationship with any one of them. And I've always gotten along better with chicks than dudes. I actually think I'd be much happier living my life with a gal that I along with swimmingly, than with a guy. I guess you could call me straight-curious. Do I need therapy? I'm happy to think I'm very well-adjusted and everyone else out there is the weirdo.

Come To Your Senses (Tick, Tick... BOOM!)

I had this epiphany the other day. I was wondering why I'm 27 and have been out of theatre school for three years and all these kids who are just as talented as I am are out there and getting auditions for shows like The Sound Of Music and getting work in shows like Dirty Dancing and going on tour after tour and booking show and after and posting their headshots on facebook and being members of Equity. And then it dawned on me: They submit themselves for stuff. I guess sitting on my ass, booking one paying show, and resting on it isn't the way to go. The other kids in my show are still auditioning and doing other things. I'm just doing the show. And the burlesque show. But still. The only professional show I've bothered to submit myself for in the part year, I booked. So then why do I let auditions for Dirty Dancing, We Will Rock You, Stratford, Sound Of Music, and other such theatre gigs pass me by? Why don't I just get new headshots already? Why don't I update my resume and send it to some people? Why don't I crash auditions? Why don't I network? Why am I such a lazy bastard? I wonder where I'll be in three years. When I'm 30!!!!!

Happily Ever After, After All (A Change In The Heir)

I think I can learn to be a happy person again. I bought a day planner the other day. It's undated. Every week goes Monday to Sunday plus Someday and you fill in the dates. That's genius. In the Someday slot, I plan to chronicle how the ol' debt's doing. Actually it's not the ol' debt cause I done paid that fucker off. It's a new debt. A new debt to symbolize the shit time I've been having since deciding to stay in this joint a few months ago. Fuck it. I'm going to pay it off and start anew. I'm going to get the hell out of here in May, or even mid-April and start anew. I'm going to quit work when renovations start in April, and start anew. I'm going to start working on my documentary and get a grant. I'm going to plan a cabaret. I'm going to go back home, to the city I miss hating. I'm going to going to travel to Vancouver, Montreal, Mexico, New York (in that order), all by July. I'm going to choreograph Fame in the fall and not know what the hell I'm doing. I'm going to move to New York in 2009. I'm going to save up lots of money. I'm going to take classes. I'm going to be fabulous. Not just in New York, but starting now. I'm going to make time for friends. Even if I have to pencil them in. They will be seen. I'm going to be civil with my roommate, not because I forgive him, but because it takes too much energy, negative energy, to hate so much. I'm going to sleep early so I can be well rested for those early morning shows. I'm going to work less at the restaurant. I'm not going to stress about money. I'm going to live my life. I'm going to enjoy it. I'm going to be happy. I will. I'm going to put my laundry in the dryer now.

Dancin' On The Sidewalk (Fame)

I've taken to walking down the street, listening to my music phone, and pretending I'm in a music video. An afternoon stroll is so much more pleasant when I'm Kelly Clarkson, walking the streets of Toronto in my jacket and hat and scarf, watching my breath in the cold air, smiling or giving attitude, walking in time, strutting, lip-synching. No shame. I don't care who's watching. They're getting a show. The camera loves me. This video's going to #1.