Sunday, January 27, 2008
I'm not a self-loathing gay. I love myself. I think I'm pretty amazing the way I am. I just happen to be gay. I didn't choose to be gay. My mother's vagina made me that way. So is it so wrong that I don't exactly support gay marriage? Is there a problem with the fact that I don't believe in Pride Week? Is it okay that I think anal sex is disgusting and wrong? Am I awful for using the expression "that's gay" in a negative context on regular occasions? A friend of mine recently asked me what I thought of Daniel's new blond look on The Young And The Restless and I told her that it looks gay and they should make his character a homo. She replied that one of the things she loves about me is how anti-gay I can be. I told another friend that I think bum sex is wrong and she asked me half-jokingly if I'm homophobic. People constantly ask me how I know I'm gay if I've never tried bum sex. And they don't understand why I don't enjoy oral sex. Why does sex define our sexuality? I may not have sex with men, but I don't have sex with women, either. I'm attracted to men. I'm not attracted to women. I fantasize about men. I don't fantasize about women. It's as simple as that. Isn't it? People always make comments that I can't have sex with a girl because I'm a homo, but I beg to differ. As long as I'm naked, I'm pretty much hard. I can stick it in an Octopussoire. That's not a problem. The problem is the vag is weird to me. I don't want to look at one. However, I do wonder what it would be like and I hope to try it some day. (I know, I know, I'm contradicting myself. Live with it.) When I picture myself settling down and having kids, I'm with a woman, not another man. I also wouldn't mind dating a girl for an undisclosed periode of time. I'm very close with my friends who are girls and believe I could have a loving relationship with any one of them. And I've always gotten along better with chicks than dudes. I actually think I'd be much happier living my life with a gal that I along with swimmingly, than with a guy. I guess you could call me straight-curious. Do I need therapy? I'm happy to think I'm very well-adjusted and everyone else out there is the weirdo.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
I had this epiphany the other day. I was wondering why I'm 27 and have been out of theatre school for three years and all these kids who are just as talented as I am are out there and getting auditions for shows like The Sound Of Music and getting work in shows like Dirty Dancing and going on tour after tour and booking show and after and posting their headshots on facebook and being members of Equity. And then it dawned on me: They submit themselves for stuff. I guess sitting on my ass, booking one paying show, and resting on it isn't the way to go. The other kids in my show are still auditioning and doing other things. I'm just doing the show. And the burlesque show. But still. The only professional show I've bothered to submit myself for in the part year, I booked. So then why do I let auditions for Dirty Dancing, We Will Rock You, Stratford, Sound Of Music, and other such theatre gigs pass me by? Why don't I just get new headshots already? Why don't I update my resume and send it to some people? Why don't I crash auditions? Why don't I network? Why am I such a lazy bastard? I wonder where I'll be in three years. When I'm 30!!!!!
Friday, January 18, 2008
I think I can learn to be a happy person again. I bought a day planner the other day. It's undated. Every week goes Monday to Sunday plus Someday and you fill in the dates. That's genius. In the Someday slot, I plan to chronicle how the ol' debt's doing. Actually it's not the ol' debt cause I done paid that fucker off. It's a new debt. A new debt to symbolize the shit time I've been having since deciding to stay in this joint a few months ago. Fuck it. I'm going to pay it off and start anew. I'm going to get the hell out of here in May, or even mid-April and start anew. I'm going to quit work when renovations start in April, and start anew. I'm going to start working on my documentary and get a grant. I'm going to plan a cabaret. I'm going to go back home, to the city I miss hating. I'm going to going to travel to Vancouver, Montreal, Mexico, New York (in that order), all by July. I'm going to choreograph Fame in the fall and not know what the hell I'm doing. I'm going to move to New York in 2009. I'm going to save up lots of money. I'm going to take classes. I'm going to be fabulous. Not just in New York, but starting now. I'm going to make time for friends. Even if I have to pencil them in. They will be seen. I'm going to be civil with my roommate, not because I forgive him, but because it takes too much energy, negative energy, to hate so much. I'm going to sleep early so I can be well rested for those early morning shows. I'm going to work less at the restaurant. I'm not going to stress about money. I'm going to live my life. I'm going to enjoy it. I'm going to be happy. I will. I'm going to put my laundry in the dryer now.
Monday, January 14, 2008
I've taken to walking down the street, listening to my music phone, and pretending I'm in a music video. An afternoon stroll is so much more pleasant when I'm Kelly Clarkson, walking the streets of Toronto in my jacket and hat and scarf, watching my breath in the cold air, smiling or giving attitude, walking in time, strutting, lip-synching. No shame. I don't care who's watching. They're getting a show. The camera loves me. This video's going to #1.