Friday, June 27, 2008

The Sudden Thrill (Carnival In Flanders)

I'm in a bit of an awkward situation. I've been dating a guy for the past week, but it's all in my head. It's weird. He's in town for a little over a week and so far we've spend nearly every day together. Every night we share feels like a date. But it never ends in anything more than a hug. Not a friendly hug. A nice, hard hug. He puts his hands on my shoulder, back, leg, arm, in my hair, often. I never see him touch anyone else. This might mean he likes me, right? He texts me every day. He's commented on my eyes. We've had good talks. It feels like he's my boyfriend. I'm comfortable with him. I've always found him attractive but I never let myself be attracted to him until I realized that he's attracted to me. And yet he hasn't made a move on me. Is it all in my head? I would love to be in a relationship with this person. Maybe he's just moving super slowly because he's got a shady past. We talk so openly with each other. It feels like he's my boyfriend. I want him to just tell me he wants me, or plant a big kiss on me, so that we can fall in love already. He'll kiss me, tell me he wants me, I'll say the same, we'll make arrangements to split my bus fare from Ottawa to Toronto for me to visit him, it'll be hard not to live in the same place but we'll work it out until I move back there, then I'll move there and get my own place but I'll always be at his place, we'll create together, start a company together, make love together, and then something will happen and he'll hurt me and I'll leave him but come crawling back because I love him more than I love myself and I know that he didn't mean to do it, he's just going through a hard time and I need to be there for him, not abandon him, so I'll get back together with him under certain conditions and everything will be perfect on the outside from then on. He'll be the first great love of my life. That's what'll happen. If only something could happen already! Our week together is almost over! Hurry, lovah! I'm right here!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Passing Phase (Passing Strange)

I can't do this much longer. I'm letting go of New York. Not Julyceum, but my plan to move there. What the fuck am I doing in Ottawa? I'm moving back to Toronto in April. I'm going to get my own one bedroom apartment at Yonge and Davisville and make it my new permanent home. My only worry is that Alathariel will be in London and Neenia will be in Montreal. Hopefully they will break up with their boyfriends by then and become my new neighbours again.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Don't Tell Mama (Cabaret)

It's interesting for me to choose not to be close with my parents, when all my friends' parents regard me as their child. It's usually the parents of my only-child friends. I have friends who's mothers call me their son and I call them mom. So many of my friends' mothers invite me out to lunch or dinner, or ask me to stop by the house to see them. They're always happy to see me. And yet I can't bring myself to enjoy my own mother's company. It may be that I resent the fact that I have to hide a big part of myself in order to protect her. I hate that. I'd much rather have nothing to do with someone who doesn't love who I am than have to alter who I am to make them feel comfortable. I wonder if I were ballsy enough to just be a big fag around my parents if they'd grow to accept me and continue to love me, or if they'd just kick me out and banish me from the family. I'd be fine with either, but to tell you the truth, I'd kind of prefer the latter.