Thursday, April 23, 2009
Something funny is going on where Languages Boy is concerned. I've only seen him once in the last two weeks, and it's not because I've been avoiding him. I was home for Easter for a few days, a couple of weeks back, and then when I got back our timing was always off. I met with him for lunch on Sunday, and I haven't seen him since. He spends a lot of time at home now. He used to always come downtown to see me and sleep over. He also used to text me every morning and every night, but now I always have to be the one to initiate the text. How have the tables turned? Why is he making himself unavailable? Why is it making me want to see him now? Do these games really work? Worst yet - do they work on me? I never thought they would. I don't actually think he's playing games. I don't know what to think. All I know is I still want to either break things off or just date casually while seeing other people, but I need to see him in person to tell him that and that doesn't seem to be happening! I have his cardigan. That's the real issue here. I need to give it back to him before I can feel comfortable parting ways.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
I can't stop listening to this song. It's becoming an obsession. I know it's about an English boy and an American girl, but the band is clearly French. I just love it. I makes me want to go to Paris and have sex with strangers who have romantic accents. The guy's voice makes me hard.
I had the most ridiculously lazy day yesterday. I was out until 3am, slept at 4:30am, woke up at 3pm, got out of bed at 4:30pm to watch Y&R, and then literally just sat around doing absolutely nothing while piles of clothes sat on the floor, begging to be picked up; receipts and garbage that have been collected on the table since I moved into this joint pleaded to be organized so that I can start my taxes for last year, the year before, 2004 and 2003; my phone sat by my side, waiting to be picked up for me to call my tax guy to finally make an appointment; my teeth cried out for a toothbrush, my stomach screamed out "FEED ME, YOU FUCKING LAZY MANOREXIC!"; and my gym membership committed suicide in my wallet. I did nothing, not even eat, until 8:30pm, when I managed to walk across the street to grab some Wendy's. I hate Wendy's. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm listening to Die Vampire Die right now. I'm going to sleep now. I will wake up before 11am, I will do laundry, I will go to the gym. Fuck you, Vampire of Laziness! I will also eat! I promise me that! I'll fucking eat fucking eating Vampire fuck you!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I like going home to Ottawa. I've already returned to Ottawa about four times since I left two and a half months ago. It's good to return and see all my friends and sleep in my bed with my Madonna posters from the early 90s starring down at me, and my framed Michelle Pfeiffer magazine covers hanging on my wall greeting me with open arms. It's nice to know that I can go back and forth between O Town and the T Dot and be able to just slip back into either lifestyle as though I had never left.
On a completely separate note, every time I mention Languages Boy to anyone, I downplay how I feel about him. I'm very aware that I'm sabotaging our relationship before it becomes anything. I'm going to stop doing that. I'm going to stop thinking about seeing other people and just enjoy the boy sleeping in my bed. I will not find reasons to doubt what I am doing with him. I do like him. I need to just enjoy him and us. Now to go back to Toronto on Tuesday with this new attitude...
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Things are going well with Languages Boy. I really like him. He really likes me. I can get over the fact that he's so young. I can get over the fact that he doesn't have hair on his chest. I can get over the fact that he talks during movies. Ok, I can't get over that, but I can not to go to the movies with him ever again in my life. I just have one issue. Just one. I don't think I want to be monogamous. I know, right?! Me, not monogamous? The thing is, I'm being very careful to take this slowly. I'm not introducing him to my friends. I'm not spending every day with him. I just feel that I don't want to commit to someone right now when so many people are attracted to me right now. You know what I mean? Like when I'm single, I can never find anyone to pay attention to me. Then as soon as one person shows interest and I like them back, everyone comes out of the woodwork and wants to make out. I want to make out back!
There are two guys that I recently broke things off with. One guy was the black guy. Most boring person I've ever met in my life! Literally no conversation to be had. But between the sheets... that was nice. Then one day in late January he came on my new sheets and I stopped texting him and started screening my phone calls. It's been two months since I've made any contact with him and he'd spend most of February trying to contact me. Then two days ago, I accidently logged into MSN, where be immediately started up a conversation. I apologized for my behaviour and called myself an asshole, and said that I'm seeing someone now and can not go on seeing him. Dude was totally understanding and called me sweet and cute and said he still wants to be friends! Say what?! Boring guy wants to just be friends? No thanks. I explained to him that my attraction to him is too great and that it would not be fair to Languages Boy.
Second dude I was dating was Obnoxious Guy who I got a kick out of but not in a sexual way. I broke it off with him when I started up with Languages Boy, by telling him I just want to be friends. He understood and we hung out as friends and all was good. Until this past week when he started getting making advances again.
Add in all the guys I've been meeting and resisting, when I know there is mutual interest, sexual or romantic. Ugh, I would like to make things work with L.B. But I also want to get some fooling around out of my system. I moved back to Toronto expecting to be all slutty. I want to be slutty! I worry that I can't ask L.B. to be casual and non-exclusive right now, because he's made it clear that he has no interest in making out with anyone else. Even though I said it was ok! The burden of romance. I'm really not convinced that I'm ready for this. I'm actually a little worried that I'm going to end up cheating on him. I don't want to do that. It's not me. Bah.