What Is This Feeling? (Wicked)

[originally posted February 25, 2006]

I think I'm becoming human again. It's weird. After theatre school totally sucked the life out of me and made me emotionless, I think I may be starting to... feel... again. What? I know! I used to be the biggest pussy. I cried when that ugly girl freaked out at Macaulay Culkin's funeral ("He was gonna be an acrobat!"), when Uncle Jesse's grandfather died and Stephanie told Michelle that they can't cry, they have to be strong, when Demi Moore met up with Woody Harrelson on the bench at the pier after Robert Redford gave her the double faced coin, when Victoria Newman's baby died, and when Rose, Blanche and Sophia realized that Dorothy wasn't coming back. See? Pussy.
And then I died inside. I'm not sure when and I'm not sure how. I couldn't for the life of me emote all through out theatre school and I missed out on a lot of great moments in my acting. I didn't cry when Cassie died. I didn't cry when I left all my crying friends in Toronto behind (yes Allie, I'm talking about you!).
And then I purchased a little DVD known as Rent. I had seen the movie three times in the theatre and didn't cry (though I tried! believe me I tried!). The first thing I did was check out the alternate ending. I didn't even re-watch the movie. All I saw was Angel's hand touch Collins' and I found myself weeping. That's all it took. Then last night I watched the making of Rent documentary, and when Jonathan Larson's friends and family talked about his death I was SOBBING. I couldn't control myself. My face was flushed, my nose was runny. I was releasing vocally, and nodding. It was AWESOME! The best part is, I watched those moments more than once and I cried all over again! It wasn't just a fluke! Now maybe it's because I've been sleeping for 14 hours everyday for the last 3 weeks, but I just totally feel rejuvenated. I can feel again! I'm not dead inside (anymore)!
Thank you, Jonathan Larson.