Sexual Confusion (Taboo)

I'm trying something. I'm taking a vow of celibacy. It's been two months since my last sexual encounter and if I have it my way it'll be quite a while until my next one. Shouldn't be too hard. I usually only experience some loving every four to six months or so anyhow. I'm abstaining for a few reasons. The first is that everyone in Ottawa is unattractive, and not having sex with anyone will prevent me from having sex with ugly people just for the sake of having sex. The next reason is that I recently counted all the lovers I've had and I'm almost in the double digits. That's kinda freaky. I want to stay out of the double digits for as long as possible. The last reason is that I just plain don't like sex. To be fair, I should admit that I've never actually had sex. Not technically. I have never experienced the act of penetration in an orifice other than the mouth. And even then I'm kinda iffy. I don't really like oral sex. Giving or receiving. I always get bored and wonder when it's going to be over and when I'm going to climax, if I'm going to climax, I pretty much never climax. Weird, considering I'm 'round-the-clock horny.

I love foreplay. A lot of kissing and a lot of teasing goes a very long way. But once the clothes come off I'm all "meh". I think that due to my lack of experience I can be too self conscious. Also, no one can touch me the way I can. I love masturbating and I do it every chance I get. I'm so good at it and so in love with myself that I hate it when someone else is doing it to me. No one has gotten it right so far. In fact the hottest nights I can recall were the ones that did not involve the removal of any clothes. Those night when I made the decision not to go below the waistband and would just spend the night making out and exploring with our hands but only teasing certain areas. That's the shit.

So I'm staying away from sex now because I know it has to build. I can't just meet someone and get it on. That doesn't turn me on. I think the only way I'm actually going to be able to ever enjoy sex is to not have it unless I know I'm going to love that person. Just because I think someone's hot, doesn't mean we have hot sex. If I'm emotionally connected, however, all bets are off. So far I've only had one emotional connection and we didn't have sex, and those are the nights I remember the most fondly. The people I went further with mean nothing to me (well, except for one) and I did not have a good time with most of them. I also kinda want to experience loving from that other sexe. I wonder what that's like. Maybe I'll try it when I go to Vancouver and meet some attractive people.

Oh, another thought. I've also been wondering if I maybe get really fucked up on drugs, if then I'll have really great sex. But I've never done a drug in my life and I don't want to start. Oh well. I guess I'm going to have to go on living my deprived lifestyle until I become a celebrity and get totally caught up in the Hollywood lifestyle that I become a tabloid staple, appearing on the cover of Star, right next to Naomi Campbell and Lindsay Lohan.