How's Your Romance? (The Gay Divorce)

I think I'm lonely. I want.

I've never been interested in a relationship before. Well, I've definitely been interested but I never sought one out just for the sake of being in one. I was never taken with the idea of being someone's other half. I rejected everyone's notions of searching for love. And in a way I still do. But I think I'm ready now. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I finally watched season 6 of Sex And The City and all the girls ended up with someone, even though some of them have convinced me in other seasons that it's fabulous to be single.

It could be because I fell hard for someone a couple of months ago, giving me a taste of what it would be like to be in love. I don't even have any clear thoughts on this topic. What I really want is to already be in a seven year relationship. I want to be comfortable and with someone I know inside out, and who knows me inside out. I don't want to date. I just want to be there. Ugh. I don't know what's going on. Maybe I'm not satisfying Myself as much as I thought I was. We hardly masturbate anymore.

Never Try To Bind Me (The Vagabond King)

I kept telling my father that I'll speak to him the way he speaks to his family. He doesn't listen and constantly blows up at me for treating him with the same respect he shows me. So now I don't talk to him at all except to tell him not to talk to me. This morning he told me to go to Hell.

My mother passed along some words from my uncle in Mexico tonight regarding my sexuality. I should be very careful and watch myself, and that I should never tell anyone. Sometimes, and I guess I am going to Hell now for thinking this, but I sometimes can't wait for them to die so that I no longer have to worry about what they think. I hate living under them that much. I'm an awful human being. But unsupportive parents equals better off on my own.

My sister is flying in from Hong Kong tomorrow and my brother gave his girlfriend the ring.

This is going to be an interesting Christmas holiday.

Who Do You Think You Are? (The Wiz)

I don't understand why certain people feel they have the right to jump into other people's pictures. If I ever see a picture being taken in my vicinity, I respectfully stand back unless invited into the photoshoot. On my long list of pet peeves is those idiots who decide to make an appearance in photos they should never have been a part of. Especially when it's someone that you're not actually friends with and especially when that someone completely ruins the picture. Smarten up, you morons!

When I Get My Name In Lights (The Boy From Oz)

But not just yet. Ottawa, I can't wait to leave you for bigger and better things. For now, though, while I still have less than half the debt I returned with to pay off, I'm going to enjoy being a local superstar. I'm a pretty big deal around Orpheus Musical Theatre Society, I'm not going to lie. When I came back to town and auditioned for Victor/Victoria last March, I blew them away. I beat out many hopeful ladies to become the Jazz Singer, which I have been told was one of the most memorable moments of the show. Then came time for Beauty and The Beast, when I auditioned for a lead, but got offered a small lead and dance chorus, because they really needed me to dance. I made the demand of being kept busy, and being the focal point of the dance numbers, front stage center. I ended up with five parts including the alpha wolf, and the gargoyle in addition to my roles as dancer and Monsieur D'Arque, AND I was the main attraction of most of the dance numbers.

The next show is Guys and Dolls. I didn't audition. I needed a break. I hate the show. But I LOVE the directing team. The two choreographers are friends of mine, the musical director and I go way back and she's still mad at me for not auditioning. The director is a legend that I had the pleasure of working with briefly in Kiss Me Kate five years ago. He played the random character of Harrison Howell, and was pretty much never needed at rehearsals so he never really associated with the rest of the cast. Right before he makes his entrance, my character came into the scene to introduce him. We would stand together in the dark wings waiting to go on, and interacted mildly. On both opening and closing nights he gave me a card telling me how I made him feel comfortable every night before going on stage. It was sweet. He's a sweet old fella. During Beauty and The Beast, he showed up at one of our tech rehearsals. I've often thought about how much I'd like to work with him again, but I haven't seen him in five years. I suspected he'd have no idea who I was anymore. He did. As soon as he saw me he called out my name and introduced me to his wife. She said "Is he the one that you emailed when he came back to town." I was touched, but disappointed because I never got the email. How did he know I was in town. I told him I'd love to audition for Guys and Dolls, but I wasn't going to.

Fast forward to the present. A friend of mine who's playing Nicely Nicely and has been begging me to do the show told me that the dude who plays Benny hasn't shown up to one rehearsal and if he gets kicked out, he's suggesting they cast me. This Benny character played Eddie in Mamma Mia in Toronto. He's amazingly talented and a nice guy to your face, but he's a total diva. During West Side Story last year, he was cast as Riff but told the directors he wasn't going to show up for rehearsals until half way through the process, which was fine at first, but when he started flaking, they had to replace him. I went to bar night at Orpheus tonight (weekly cast party thing), where the musical director gave me flack again for not auditioning, and the director told me that if I want they'd still fit me into the show. I explained to him that I was happy to be on a break now and that I have some stuff coming up in the new year. What I didn't mention was that I would cover Benny if that dude is on the outs. So I discretely informed on of the choreographers to pass along that if they kicked him out, that I would do the show. It's pretty likely that things are going to go this way. So looks like I'm doing a show in March.

The director of the next show after that found out that I was staying in town until summer and asked me to audition for the show, enticing me with Steam Heat (it's not The Pajama Game, it's a musical revue for their 100th anniversary). So I'm feeling in a good position in this town.

I really wish the real world were like this. I wish everyone in professional theatre land thought I was the most amazingly talented person in the world and begged me to do shows, even without auditioning. Why can't Ottawa have good paying musical theatre? Everyone's saying that I'm headed for Broadway and that I'm a triple threat, but realistically, yes, I'm a singing and dancing actor like this city has never seen, but I'm out-sung and out-danced at professional auditions. I hate that. Why can't I be as amazing as everyone thinks I am? Mind you, a big part of my appeal here is that I give my all at rehearsal and make sure to be pleasant to everyone, so that they fall in love with me. This can also work in the paying world, but I have to have the talent to back it up. I hate this vicious cycle.

Good 'N' Evil (Jeckyll & Hyde)

I met another guy tonight that the same friend is sleeping with. That's two of five. She's got five relationships going on at the same time. Most of them know about each other. She has great sex with them all and some mean more to her than others. It was kind of trippy to see her with two different guys, two nights in a row, acting the exact same way with both of them. It's funny, because, like her, it's so hard for me to decide which one I like better. I meet one and I'm like, oh yeah, he should be the only one. And then I meet the other and think, oh yeah, he should be the only one. It's a tough life she must be leading.

I on the other hand have been dating Myself exclusively and have gone celibate. Yes, I've even stopped touching myself. Well, at least to the point of ejaculation. Mostly because we're trying to make this relationship work, and since before it was mostly based on sex - well, handjobs - we're going for a deeper connection.

I think it's super cool that I'm dating only Myself and sleeping with no one, and she is dating and sleeping with five different men. This is so Sex And The City.

Comedy Tonight (A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum)

A friend of mine is sleeping with a famous Toronto comedian who comes to town every now and then, so we went to a comedy club tonight to check out his act. Before he went on, I asked him if I heckled him, if he could call me a nigger. I think he likes me. Anyway, while watching all these comedians go up there to do their schtick, all I could do was write my own material. It's weird, how when I watch a movie or a theatrical production of sorts, no matter how brilliant it is, actually especially if it's brilliant and inspiring, my mind always manages to wander to my career and my potential. So tonight, I decided that as soon as I have the time, I'm going to check out an amateur night and hit it up the next week. I've got a great bit about poo that the audience is just going to LOVE!

(*side note*, I one time saw a movie that was truly terrible, but so terrible that it was upsetting. I walked out of the theatre realizing that my mind never once wandered. It was not inspiring.)

Gorgeous (The Apple Tree)

I really want to look good naked (you know, to please Myself... and myself) but I'm so lazy/poor/lazy/unwilling to work for it that it's never going to happen. Sucks. I also saw the Sex And The City Box Set at HMV for the low, low price of $199 and it's taking all my energy to not drop my Visa on it today.

Le Jazz Hot (Victor/Victoria)

So watching this now, I realize that I wish I had been able to film myself during rehearsals to see where I needed fixing. I'm none too pleased with my singing chops AND that fan kick was disgusting! But I'm still the hotness. Watch!



(this video was filmed illegally from the wings on closing night. The person filming was holding the camera, wrapped in a long black glove, and wasn't looking through the lense, she was just pointing and shooting randomly. I think she did an amazing fucking job of following me blindly!)

Reviewing The Situation (Oliver!)

Things are going great between me and Myself. We stayed in bed all morning, went for a hair cut, went to a dance class, watched a movie. I even rearranged my entire bedroom in order to accommodate Myself, so that it would feel more like "our" room. So I took Myself to the salon, and was disappointed for two reasons. The first being that I had asked to keep the length, but reduce the bulk. Now I feel like I have none of the length and all of the bulk. Myself insists that I still look sexy, which is reassuring. The other reason is that the shampoo boy nearly gave me an erection, the way he was massaging my head so perfectly when he was conditioning my hair. I have never had such a seductive shampooing in my life. Instead of tipping him I wanted to make out with him. Now I feel bad for wanting to cheat on Myself, but is making out really cheating?