Trouble In His Brain (A New Brain)

Not only do I not feel like blogging, but I never know what to say on your blogs anymore.

So what's happening with me. I'm in rehearsals for two shows. Both of which are going to suck balls. One I'm doing as a favour for a very young friend who kind of inspires me, and the other I'm not exactly sure why I'm doing. It's a piece of shit. I'm ashamed and for the first time ever, I don't care if anyone comes to see it, and I'd kind of rather they didn't. I mean, I'm going to rock the shit out of it, but I'm not in enough of it to save the rest of the show.

My parents drive me crazy. What else is knew? I'm slowly dying here and I am counting the days until I get out. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing in the fall. I don't want to move back to Toronto anymore. When I was back there last time, I was telling everyone that I was moving back for sure, but by the time I left I really felt that I was done with that city. The only thing that will take me back is probably if I decide to pursue Second City. Vancouver was the reason I left in the first place but I'm just not feeling it. My plan at the moment is move to New York for a few months, until they kick me out, and if I can't get work by that time, I'm moving to Montreal. If I don't end up going to New York, I'll probably just go to straight to Montreal. I love that city, and I haven't lived there yet, so I think I'll give it a shot.

I want to give up on singing and dancing. I'll never be a dancer. That's old news. I don't have the passion for singing to make myself get better. I don't think I'm going to get anywhere in musical theatre. I'm going to try stand up this summer and see how that goes. If I succeed, then Montreal would be the perfect place to go. Ottawa has, what many comedians actually say is the best comedy club in Canada. There's always a full audience. Who knew Ottawa supported anything?

I'm sick of the people I'm close with. I mean the people I've been spending too much time with. I need a change. I'm not satisfied with the personal relationships I have at this point. It's time for a turnover. I haven't answered my phone today because I don't want to talk to anyone. I should clean my room. I should do my taxes.

I'm still very attracted to myself but I'm none too please with the way my body is looking these days. I definitely need to hit the gym. I don't want to go to the gym. That's a conflict. I get bored of my clothes very quickly. I want to wear items only once and never again, just like they do on TV. Y&R has had me glued to the television set for the past few months. That's nice.

I'm not healthy. I don't eat well. I barely eat. Does that make me anorexic? I don't think I have an eating disorder because I don't not eat out of wanting to be thin, I don't eat out of laziness. I never wake up early enough to have breakfast and then I go to work and run around all day and don't eat until I get home which is dinner time. Then I'll either not eat until the next day, or I'll go get McDonalds or order pizza sometime around midnight. Why am I killing myself this way? This may sound backwards but I'd be eating more if I didn't live at home. I know there's food waiting for me at home so I don't eat at work after my shift. I get home, wait a couple of hours for a meal that I don't like, barely eat it, and then don't have seconds because I hate home cooked meals. I'm disgusting. I disgust myself.

I absolutely cannot wait until April 16th when I go to New York. I can't wait to stay with DansyAntsyPantsy and see seven shows in six days. I can't wait to see Neenia and that other girl on April 19th. I can't wait to get out of Ottawa and these people. I worry that DansyAntsyPantsy is going to grow tired of me and that I'm going to be a nuisance in her home. Six days is a long time.

Look at me, I wrote a new blog.